The moment I set foot into a supermarket I go into a kind of survival mode. Everything around me is shut out. I am singular and focused. I know what I want. I do not browse. I walk briskly through the aisles as I hunt for my produce. I get what I want. I buy it. I leave.
Well, that's what I dream of anyway.
The problem, of course, is everybody else.
Most of the people there are in no rush. Their screaming children, demanding wives and distant husbands are miles away. They drift idlely down the aisles, absorbed in a distant bliss. They are totally ignorant of your existence. They are peacefully unaware that you want to get passed them. They don't realise their trolley is parked in front of what you want or that it's blocking your way. This is especially fun when two of these people drift to a stop beside each other. Hello suck-in-the-gut-and-shimmy-between-the-trolleys time. I hate suck-in-the-gut-and-shimmy-between-the-trolleys time. Like, I really really don't like it.
These people I dub 'The Escapists'.
A large minority are the FlatShop group. Within this there are two sub-groups. The 'OHGOD. What about the budget/vegetarian flatmate/shelf space/equity/fairness/payment ratio' group. You guys need to mellow out. Apples are never ever worth fighting over. And if the guy who lives in the converted basement doesn't want to go halves on the meat because he's a fruitarian - maybe this should be figured out at home, rather than in front of the meat coolers? Just a thought.
The other sub group I like. These groups are usually smaller or jus far more experienced. They usually consist of flatmates who have nigh-on identical tastes or have just done this a million times. The choose their goods like a well-oiled machine. For this, I forgive the trolley antics. (Actually, FYI, if you rest a foot above each back wheel you have essentially developed an effective 'dual breaking system' for improved cornering. Please note this technique is patent pending.)
Bickering Couples are another notable social group in this 'supermarket biosphere'. They are more interesting than annoying. Consist of:
- Gary 'God I'm so bored and my feet are so sore and I love you, really I do, but I'm a boy and I want to go home and have sex or watch telly and have sex and I don't really care what sort of sauce you want because when it's my turn to cook you know it's spag bog again anyway' Smith and
- Sarah 'Look, I don't fucking care if you're bored of it, we need to sort this out, Gary. I don't want any more spaghetti bolognase and no you cannot have sex because I'm actually quite fucked off with you about this' Jones.
Phew.
More interestingly, the woman in front of me at the check out (I swear to God, I'm fucking cursed) was buying over $500 dollars worth of groceries including more than a dozen enormous plastic storage tubs. Beyond those I could see only bottled water, copious quantities of jelly beans and mints and bottled water. She also purchased 11 (yes, that's eleven) packets of cigarettes. She was very strange and had eyes that showed only a faint grip on sanity/reality/both.
Having waited 15 minutes for her to fuck off, I bought my stuff and headed down to my car. Amusingly she was still loading everything into her enormous and ancient four wheel drive. I also noticed she was talking about having 'treats for her baby girl' which initially concerned me as I believed she had left her child in the car whilst purchasing half of Foodtown Quay Street. I noted with some dismay there wasn't actually anyone else in the car. I raised her from 'unusual recluse' to 'batshit crazy'.
With a touch of urgency, I drove home.
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